Jumpers
by ThatPhanIsInsane
Summary: dan is depressed and self harms. phil knows that something is wrong and tries to help his friend, but will he before it is too late? angst/tragedy followed by bittersweet Phan. trigger warnings: detailed self harm and suicide attempts and depression. rated m for triggers.
1. why even try

**_hey guys! just a quicky chapie because I am doing this on my tablet, but more coming soon, promise! ;)_**

Dan looked down at the razor blade in his hand with concentration as he thought about all of the reasons that he did this to himself. He was overly gloomy and emotional and spoiled things for everyone. He was depressed constantly. He was a faggot who was in love with his best friend. He brought the razor down and made five quick clean cuts on his inner arm, basking in the pain. he watched for a moment as the blood beaded on the cuts before he stepped into the shower and watched as the blood turned the water pink and ran down the drain. He didn't even notice that he was crying until a sob wracked his body. He sank to his knees and sat and cried until he had no more tears left to spill. then he stepped out and started applying salve and plasters to his cuts and pulled a jumper on so that no one would see. this was a daily regimen, and when the weather started getting warm, the jumpers made him more and more uncomfortable. but he didn't mind. he deserved it.


	2. concern

Phils POV

phil was worried about his best friend. Dan was much quieter lately, and the dimples that he loved so much did not come out nearly as often. He tried to bring it up sometimes, but dan always gave short, sharp answers and quickly changed the subject. He knew something was wrong. he just didn't know what. he wanted to help. he wanted to wrap his arms around dan and hold him until he got better. but he couldn't do that. dan would probably slap him and then he would lose his best friend. no. he couldn't do that.


	3. Found

Phil's POV

Phil glanced up as dan waked in. he had heard him crying in the shower earlier. Phil met dan's puffy eyes and said " dan we need to have a serious talk. something is wrong with you. i don't know if your sick, sad, angry or what, but i want to help. can we please talk about this?" dan turned progressively more red and averted his eyes. "Dan, please."

"okay, talk."

"Dan, i never see you smile or laugh anymore. i can hear you crying almost every day, and you always were long sleeves and pants. do you have some sort of terminal illness or something?"

at the mention of dans dress habits, he turned even brighter red and tugged at his sleeves. phil did not miss the subtle movement. then, a horrible, stomach turning thought that shot cold fear down his spine occurred to him.

"Dan." phil said in a pinched, strangled voice. "roll up your sleeves."

dan tried to step back, but as phil caught his arm and pushed his sleeve up to his wrist, he yanked his arm out of his hand, tears in his eyes, threatening to spill over.

phil stared in horror at his arm, now covered by the sleeve that Dan had hastily jammed down again, but it was too late. Phil had seen.

Dan took one look at Phil's face and his tears welled over, and he ran back into his room, sobbing as he locked it.


	4. Fear

Phil's pov

DAN! Phil yelled through the door. "Please come out, I just want to Talk about this!" Phil grew more and more panicked as Dan did not respond. The only difference was Dan's sobs deteriorating at an alarming pace. "DAN!" Phil screamed, imagining the worst. He pounded on his door for much longer then he should have before remembering the master key that they kept in the kitchen for emergencies. And if this didn't qualify as an emergency, Phil didn't know what did. He dashed to the drawer to get it.


	5. To much

Dan's pov

As Dan slammed the door behind him the only thing he could think of was Phil's face when he had Seen. The mixture of shock, horror, disgust and fear had been to much. Dan knew that his scars were bad, but he had never intended for anyone to see them, especially Phil. Phil hated him now, he was sure of it. He may say that he didn't, but his face had said it all. Dan was numb as he scrawled out a sort of apology with violently trembling hands, his never-ending tears splattering the paper. Even as he signed his name for the last time, he was dimly aware that Phil had stopped the persistent pounding that he had been doing. 'Good, he's given up on me. Now I don't have to feel guilty.' Dan pried up his razor blade from the gap in his floorboards and started making long, jagged cuts along the length of his forearm. he made three before the loss of blood became to much. he dropped the blade and kind of collapsed. Then, just as Phil was unlocking the door, the color drained from his skin and the life from his eyes. And then there was nothing.


	6. Gone

Phil's pov

Phil doubted that the image of Dan, lying dead on the floor in a pool of his own blood would ever leave him. When Phil opened the door to Dan's room, he tried to scream for someone, anyone, to come and help him, but all that came out was a strangled choking sound. It was a sound of complete grief and disbelief. Because Dan Howell, Phil's bear, could not be dead. It had to be some kind of dream, or some elaborate prank, anything but this. The sound of sirens grew closer. Stupid sirens. Didn't they know that the world had ended? The people came in. They were probably some sort of emergency response unit, but Phil really didn't care. The people tried to take Dan away, but Phil screamed a wild, feral scream, and they kept trying, and Phil kept screaming until someone pulled Phil away. Phil hit and bit and kicking until he saw Dan being wheeled out on a stretcher and he went limp and just sobbed into pjs chest. The two men collapsed onto the bed and cried for their friend. That's when Phil saw the note.

 ** _I am so sorry. The quality of these chapters is just deteriorating. Is like 2am in my timzone, so no judgement. But please do comment! I really appreciate it! ~_**


	7. What it said

Dearest Phil

This is not your fault. Do not think for a second that this is your fault.

I was not cut out for this world. I never felt like I belonged here. All of my emotions are dulled, all of my thoughts muddied from the overwhelming since that this, this is wrong.

But then I met you. It was you who cleared the water. It was you who sharpened the blade.

Phil, I didn't make the blades dance and sing because i was hurting. I did it because I just wanted to feel again. I tried to justify it, but it was because you had made me feel. You made me feel so awake, so alive. It faded, after years of you not loving me, but I needed more. So think of this not as sad or tragic. Think of this as something that brought the feelings back. And now I'm in a better place.

I will always love you,

Dan.


	8. the dilemma

"Oh dan, no, please" phil muttered aloud when he read the letter. phil was crying for dan, because dan was the love of his life, and phil could not stand to see him in the pain that he was in.

later that day, phil got a call from the hospital saying that dan would live and be fine. he had been sleeping, because sleeping is really the best thing that you can do in these situations sometimes. phil stumbled out of his room and into the lounge where PJ was sitting on the couch, staring off into space, slightly tearstained. "PJ we gotta go to the hospital... Dan... we need to ... come on!" phil said in a broken up voice and then promptly collapsed and started crying again, this time in relief.

PJ finally pulled into the parking lot at the hospital after what seemed like an eternity and a half, and phil almost tripped in his hurry to get to dan's side. when phil finally got to the recovery ward, he stopped dead. what was he going to say to dan? this wasn't exactly a situation that you could just start talking about anime afterwords.


	9. Be brave

When Phil finally finished hyperventilating, he stood up uncirtenly. What if Dan didn't want to see him? What is Dan doing want to get better? What if he changed his mind about loving Phil? He mentally slapped himself. No. He had to just rip the plaster off. Standing there worrying wasn't going to change anything. He matched up to the receptionist and said in a voice slightly louder then nessisary "hello. I'm here to see Dan Howell." the woman looked from her romance novel and brushed her blue hair out of hair, stared at Phil for a second before looking at the monitor on the desk. "Room 347" she snapped before returning to her book. Phil looked around for PJ, but he seemed to have disappeared . Probably at the food court. Phil half jogged down the hall to the room that the lady had directed him to. He burst into the room without knocking, and nearly had a heart attack when he saw Dan so many tubes, so many machines, attached to him. Dam was sleeping, so Phil carefully reentered the room and approached dans sleeping form. His breath caught in his throught. The blanket came up to dans navel, and Phil could see that not only his arms, but also his torso, were covered in thousands of scars ranging from almost invisible to still red and irritated. With a start Phil realized that he was crying again. He hurriedly wiped his eyes with his sleeves. He say down softly on the chair next to Dan. He placed a kiss on his cheek. At the light touch, dans eyes sprung open.

 **sorry for the cliff hanger. So ideas plz. Should they confess their mutual love in the next chapter or later? I'm thinking that I'll keep dans depression for a while just to prolongate the story, unless you guys have a real problem with that. And I'm not updating until I get reviews. Just a little blackmail. =￣ω￣=**


	10. wow who knew

As dan's eyelids fluttered open, I almost had a heart attack. it was like that one time where dan had been out partying with some of his other friends. he came home completely hammered, and as put him to bed after assisting him to his bedroom, i had kissed him. not like kiss kiss, just a small touch of the lips. the next morning he had told me that he remembered some of the night before and i had a freaking seizure. Of course, he hadn't remembered the kiss, maybe if he had none of this would be happening.

"Phil?" he croaked out with i voice that obviously hadn't been used in a while. He was so beautiful.

"Dan! umm, do you want some water or umm..." I trailed off as dan's eyes began filling up with tears.

"Why didn't it work, Phil? It was supposed to work!" he sobbed.

Shit. of course he wasn't going to be happy about this. He had just tried to end his life because he was so depressed, and he just found out that it hadn't worked. of course he would be upset.

"Phil... i'm so sorry! It went wrong! i was just supposed to die, you would move on with your life, and we would both be happy. I'm sorry!" Dan whispered through his tears.

"Dan! No! There is no way in HELL that i would have been happier with you dead. You're my best friend..."

This only seemed to redouble Dan's sobbing.

"Did you see the note?" he asked quietly. for a second i was tempted to say no, but couldn't to that to dan.

"yes. I did see it. And Dan, you got it all wrong." and with that, i leaned over and kissed him.

 **CLIFFHANGER! WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? WHO KNOWS? I DO! REJOCE AND BE HAPPY FOR THEY HAVE KISSED!**


	11. Chapter 11

"Dan, I love you. you are the thing that makes me the happiest in this world. I want to spend the rest of my life with you." I blurted out.

Dan looked astonished for a moment before I saw a weird mix of emotions flash across his face. he looked down.

"Please don't lie to me about this. I don't need you to pretend to like me so that I stop being depressed." he uttered quietly.

I felt like I had been slapped. and I had one reaction to being hurt. I would lash out and then run away and cry.

"WELL I'M SORRY. THE LOVE OF MY LIFE HAS BEEN SELF HARMING FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG NOW. I FIND OUT FINALLY. I WANT TO HELP HIM BUT BEFORE I CAN DO _ANYTHING,_ HE RUNS OFF INTO HIS ROOM, LOCKS THE DOOR, AND PROCESSEDS TO TRY TO KILL HIMSELF. IN HIS _SUICIDE NOTE,_ HE SAYS THAT HE FEELS THE SAME ABOUT ME. HE'S GOING TO BE FINE, I ALMOST DIE OUT OF RELIEF, I TELL HIM HOW I FEEL AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS? _HE DOSNT BELIEVE ME._ I need some space!

At the end of my sentence my voice drops from a yell to a tearful whisper.

"Phil, no wait! phil please!" Dan whispers

I run out of the room and into the waiting room. it's deserted except for a women with her eyes closed clutching a cross and praying I can remember what it was like when I used to cut, how the overwhelming pain would be driven out by a new one. God I needed that right now. with trembling hands I took my multitool out of my pocket and open it to the shortest, sharpest blade. not even caring that I'm in the middle of a hospital, I press the metal to my skin.

I cut.


End file.
